Those Advice given by My Father That Helped Me when I became a First-Time Dad

"I think I was just in survival mode for the first year."

Ex- reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the challenges of fatherhood.

Yet the actual experience quickly became "very different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her chief support in addition to looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I handled every night time, each diaper… every walk. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

Following eleven months he reached burnout. It was a conversation with his father, on a park bench, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The simple statement "You are not in a healthy space. You require support. How can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and find a way back.

His experience is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. Although people is now more comfortable discussing the strain on mothers and about PND, less is said about the difficulties new fathers encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his struggles are linked to a broader failure to open up among men, who often absorb damaging perceptions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and remains standing every time."

"It is not a sign of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably in preference to a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental well-being is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the chance to take a pause - spending a few days away, away from the family home, to see things clearly.

He realised he needed to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's feelings in addition to the day-to-day duties of looking after a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has changed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to better grasp the vocabulary of feelings and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen was without stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "bad choices" when in his youth to change how he felt, finding solace in drink and drugs as an escape from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that aren't helpful," he says. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Tips for Coping as a New Father

• Talk to someone - when you are swamped, speak to a friend, your other half or a professional how you're feeling. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the activities that helped you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. Examples include exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Look after the physical health - eating well, getting some exercise and when you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is faring.
• Meet other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the challenges, as well as the joys, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help isn't failing - taking care of your own well-being is the best way you can support your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead offer the safety and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the frustrations constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men since they faced their struggles, altered how they talk, and figured out how to control themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… sitting with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I said, at times I think my purpose is to guide and direct you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am understanding as much as you are in this journey."